Do You REALLY Listen?

"Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh." (I can't believe the boss wants that report by 8am...) "Really? Wow." (I really need to write a blog post about these ridiculous talking heads on TV...) "What? Yes, of course I'm listening!"

Have you ever had a conversation like that? You know the kind... when someone is talking to you but it seems like your mind wants to focus on everything except what the person is saying to you. Perhaps you start out okay, but then they'll say something that makes you remember a story on the news, which gets you thinking about the news in general and how you can't stand that new obnoxious little weather guy and... you've completely missed what the other person was saying to you!

These are incredibly interesting times we're living in. Technology has absolutely exploded in recent years and we have truly entered the "information age". I mean, when my mom tells me to "Google it" and my 11-year-old son asks if he can set-up a Facebook profile, I'd have to say that the Internet has finally become ubiquitous. Of course, with all of this information literally at our fingertips, it's easy to become overloaded and unfocused.

At least in the US, we tend to have a tradition of poor listening. Oh, we can 'hear' just fine, but we generally have trouble truly listening to the ideas of others. We listen long enough to jump to a conclusion about what you're saying, and then we turn our brainpower towards planning our response so we're ready once you finally stop to take a breath.

Now if all you do is spend time debating with people, this may work out just fine for you. However, if you're at all interested in building friendships and maintaining relationships with loved ones, then you must practice your listening skills.

Active/Reflective Listening is something that I was trained to do a long time ago, and what it basically boils down to is that you ensure comprehension by reflecting back what you've just heard the other person say... and mean. For example, if your spouse is going on and on about how terrible the boss was and how bad traffic was and how rotten lunch was, then you might respond by saying, "Wow! Between your boss, your commute, and a cold hamburger, it sounds like you've had a horrible day!"

Of course, that's a relatively easy example. Oftentimes the meaning behind what a person is saying can be significantly different than their actual words. Whether intentional or not, it's fairly common for people to veil their true feelings, especially if they haven't really dealt with those feelings. When that's the case, active/reflective listening takes a much greater effort.

Unfortunately I don't have time to do a thorough training treatise about active/reflective listening right now, and (luckily) that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that when we do more than nod and say "uh-huh" when someone is talking to us -- when we try to be more actively engaged in what they're telling us -- the more likely it is that we'll be able to stay focused, block out the "noise" from other thoughts, and show the other person that we really do care.

Family & Relationships Tip #1: Really listen to people when they talk to you. Become actively involved in the conversation and ensure your understanding by reflecting their ideas back to them, but in your own words. Don't let your mind wander and don't be thinking about what you're going to say next. Place all of your attention with the person to whom you are speaking.

Family & Relationships Bonus: If you're really good, you'll not only listen and reflect back, but you'll start to ask open-ended questions as well. These questions should not be "leading" questions that guide the conversation, nor should they be "yes/no" questions. Try to ask questions that encourage the person to share more information with you. It can be something as simple as asking, "Can you tell me a little more about that?"

Train hard but pray harder,
Brandon Jubar